Where do policemen live?
999 Letsbe Avenue.
English Tourist: Hello. Do you farm around here?
Cornish Farmer: Aye.
English Tourist: Fantastic day isn’t it?
Cornish Farmer: Aye.
English Tourist: Have you lived here all of your life?
Cornish Farmer: Not yet.
Two men met each other on the beach at Majorca.
One looked at the other and asked, ‘Are you brown from the sun?’
’No,’ replied the other, ‘I’m Smith from The Times.’
A man once walked into a shop which sold musical instruments and bought a very expensive mouthorgan. As the shopkeeper wrapped up the purchase he said, ‘You know is this is quite amazing. We normally don’t sell many mouth organs, but this is the second one I’ve sold today.
’Oh,’ said the customer, ‘that must have been our Monka.’
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won’t pay the ransom.
King Henry VIII called in the executioner. He said, ‘What do you charge to do an execution?’
The executioner said, ‘A pound sir.’
The King said, ‘And what if I wanted to have all my six wives done at the same time?’
The executioner said, ‘Well in that case it’d be 60p a head.’
Two seagulls were flying over the beach at a seaside resort one boiling hot August Bank Holiday afternoon. Every way they looked, there were so many people there wasn’t a speck of sand to be seen.
’Ah,’ said one to the other contemptuously, ‘takes all the skill out of it, doesn’t it?’
A poor little East End kid was taken away to the country for his first holiday and as he got out of the train at his destination he looked around in bewilderment. ‘Blimeyl What a lot of grass to keep off.’
Two little East End kids were paddling in the sea at Southend. ‘Cor,’ said one, ‘look at your feet. They ain’t half dirty.’
’Well, we didn’t have no ‘oliday last year.’
Went to the seaside for a vacation last year. The landlady said to me, ‘We charge twenty pounds a night, bed and breakfast- or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.’ ‘Oh, all right,’ I said, ‘I’ll make the bed.’ And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.
My brother was up in court last week. The judge said, ‘What is this man charged with?’
The policeman said, ‘He opened a shop sir.’
The judge said, ‘And what is wrong with opening a shop?’
The policeman said, ‘Well it wasn’t his shop sir.’
This nurse was learning first aid. The sister said, ‘Nurse, imagine a man’s been brought in after an accident and he’s bleeding badly. What’s the first thing you’d do?’
The nurse said. ‘Faint.’
There was me and my brother, in this cottage in the country, all on our own in the dead of night. My brother said, ‘What was that noise? I thought I heard an owl.’
I said, ‘You probably did. I stepped on the dog’s paw.’
My brother said, ‘You’d better know from the start that my favourite food is trash and onions.’
The girl said, ‘Tripe.’
He said, ‘Don’t start arguing before we’re married.’
I love the seagull one!!!